Funny, no one tells you that the journey to loving yourself and taking care of yourself just leads to new journeys. And that it never ends.
Getting to this point is like getting to the end of a television episode, an arc, a season, and the story isn’t done.
In the next episode, there are new questions to answer, new problems to solve.
So now that I want to live my life by my own terms, what are these terms?
I want to make decisions based on higher emotions.
I’m not going to use the word “ideals” because my feelings are stronger than my thoughts.
How I feel will set my mood for the day, and it affects what I do and how I do things.
I want to feel love, kindness, gratitude. I want to feel playful, attentive, curious. I want to feel cared for, safe, wanted, loved, abundant. And I want to feel this good internally, whether I’m alone or with other people, and whatever is happening in my life.
When something happens, I don’t have to jump right to the worst options, feelings, and thoughts. I can choose to stay in higher feelings, and act in a way that can make situations better.
And this is a practice. I have to do the work that brings me away from feeling angry, upset, angsty.
To be honest, today was tough. I woke up feeling lost — knowing that I don’t want to be please other people doesn’t mean I know who I really am –, and as the day went on I couldn’t reach someone close, and I felt ignored, and went straight to feeling angry, rejected, unworthy. I could have lashed out, and made the situation worse. But I sat down, took out one of my journals, my pink pen, and asked myself “Why?” and answered it. “Why?” again, and answered it. Five cycles later, I found the root: I still fear that I’m not enough.
And the moment I found it I lost the anger, the angst, the upset. And I could work on my own feelings.
When I finally reached out, I could reach out with calm, with love, and everything was better.
It’s also the only way I could write this post now.
I want things to be on the surface.
I overthink things. I make up stories about people and events and things. I look at a lady and I make up a story about how she would love to be taken care of. I hug my things and thank them before I throw them away.
I don’t need a gap for a story to start spinning, so when there is a gap, I fill it quickly.
The thing about stories is that it isn’t reality.
And I want to focus on reality. What people say, what people do, what I say, and what I do.
When someone says that they’re okay, I have to take it as the truth. And when I’m saying I’m okay, it should also be true. If someone says they’re busy, they’re busy, and it stops there. No other stories needed.
I want to settle my insides, and reflect honestly on the outside. And assume people will do the same with me.
I want better.
I want to meet people who will treat me right. People who are kind and honest and giving and generous and loving and gentle and cultured. People who believe in abundance and goodness, opportunities and possibilities. People who are calm.
And that’s who I want to be. The qualities I want to be around are the same qualities I want to embody.
I’ve learned that envy shows us what we want and who we want to be.
I’ve never been envious of millionaires. I’ve been envious of writers. I’ve been envious of people who have found their purpose. People who think things thorough and share their views. People who get to rest in security. Work in security. People who work because they want to be in the process, and not for the result. People who make things because there’s something bigger than them, and they’re just the messenger.
I love being with people who see life from a higher level.
I also want the house I’ve been dreaming of. Be with the person I’m dreaming of. Be the person I’m dreaming of.
I want to live bravely, vulnerably, whole-heartedly.
These would be familiar words, if you’ve read/listened to/watched Brené Brown.
I want to live passionately. To be and feel alive because I’m going all in, all out, with something that takes body and mind and spirit on a journey.
And not just one thing, though that’s a good start. I’d love to fall in love with many things, and to freely, creatively, playfully and bravely explore and share what I’m learning and what I know.
To stop holding back, to stop keeping a piece of me safe. Because if I’m going to guard myself from pain, I’m also guarding myself from joy, love, and the truly bittersweet. (That bit’s Susan Cain.)
It’s a practice in living for myself, and not for the feedback of others. To gain joy in the process instead of doing things for approval and validation. And to not give a moment to what people think or judge or say unless they’re in it with me.
I want to live heart-first.
I’d like to put my mind second-in-charge, to serve the heart. To think hard for something because my heart is in it first.
Intelligence is an engine. It’s not useful unless it’s working for something. Put it in a train and then we’re on track to going somewhere.
Right now, my engine is pretty good. I know I’m smart. But my train has been stuck because I haven’t chosen the route. And I keep thinking that I’ll find a better track to follow.
Paths don’t matter when there is no destination. Nothing gets done when you’re always in your mind. Life isn’t real when you’re behind your own closed doors.
I know what I want to do because my heart lights up when I do it. Because I always come back to doing it. Because it brings me peace. (Hello writing, journalling, and blogging.)
So let me stop trying to think of a track, and wanting it to be perfect before I even set a wheel in motion.
Let my heart set the destination, and let my mind try to figure out the way.
