My time, my energy, who I want to spend my time with, what I want to spend my life doing… it’s precious now.
No more wanting to give of myself, my hours, my thoughts, my feelings, to others so that they will be there for me in the future. No more going through my days and nights people-pleasing.
I want to live my life for me.
And if you’re a part of my happiness, my safety, my sanity — if you add to it — I’d love to have you on the ride.
I don’t want to create an identity based on what you love, or who you like. I don’t want to live my life feeling like I need to exchange favours for future assurance and friendship.
I’ve had enough of resentment and insecurity and anger and fear.
If you’re going to love me, it’s because I am enough. Because who I am in my current state elicits happiness within you, and not some potential future ideal. And if I love you, it’s because I feel happy, and safe, and sane, and accepted when I’m with you, as you are right now, not for the promises that you make.
And I am enough. Good enough to want to strive for better, because I want to keep growing and filling my life with more kindness and love and abundance. With more pleasure and understanding and intellectual conversations. With connection, acceptance, intimacy.
I will no longer be affected by your judgement. Whatever you think is yours to keep. I live by my own values, because the person who has to live with them is me. If I do something that you don’t agree with… I love you for caring, I love you for sharing, and… I’ll respect my own decisions, and take responsibility for my mistakes.
I don’t know if the people I meet, and the path that I’m on, is one for forever. I do know that it’s right for me, right now.
Life is a reflection of who I am and how I feel about myself on the inside.
Right now, I’m learning to love. Wholeheartedly. With vulnerability. Learning self-awareness. Learning to make my own choices, and learning that I can also give them up. I’m learning who I want to spend time with, and who I’m comfortable making sacrifices for. Learning what I want to do.
No more waking up on the auto-pilot of get up and go and give. No more living my life grasping at other people’s threads, hoping to weave them into my own magical carpet.
I’m going to pause. And I’m going to feel.
I used to think I had no feelings. I recently realised that I do feel. Quickly. Deeply. That I actually need time to understand what I felt and the thoughts that judged and the response I had and to unfreeze my state. It’s easier to blink them away and smile, nod and say yes, than it is to process and choose my actions.
Everything is a negotiation. Everything is a lesson. Everything is an opportunity.
❤️🌧️
Image of a diamond in a heart-shaped gold ring by sara graves from Pixabay.
Because I’m making a promise to myself, and promises are meant to be kept.
