I originally wanted to come here and write: “I have two homes now. Or maybe more. One in Admiralty, one in Ang Mo Kio. One in Jarrod, and one in myself.”
It must be part of some thread leading me, because I just read Forty Days On Being A Seven, and the questions for Day 1 are:
What does it mean for you to be home with yourself?
What other questions emerge as you consider that question?
It’s a book written from the perspective of an Enneagram type 7, and I am already amusedly annoyed by how the very first day deals with exactly what I’ve been writing about for a long time.
Here’s what I wrote, all the way back in June 2022:
What’s home? A place to love. To love me. My body, my mind, my heart, and an actual physical home that I’ve made myself.
The post in question? “I’m looking for home.“
Sigh.
What does it mean for you to be home with yourself?
It means I get to stop questioning everything. Who I am, what I’m doing, why I do it, what I’m going to do.
It means I know myself and/or I’m listening to myself (and something Divine) and I’m aligning my inside and outside world.
What would it feel like to be home with myself? Acceptance. Trust. Play.
What does not being home feel like? Struggle. Confusion. Resistance, like I can’t go where I think I need to be because there’s a wall in the way and I put that wall there, but I don’t seem to want/be able to remove it.
Home means I do what I want, and not in a rebellious, bratty way, but in a… I want something, and then I’m going to do something about it to get what I want. I do what I want.
Home also means rest. And gentle grace. In both movement and mind. A lot of my actions and thoughts come from a place that’s frantic. A need to respond and react to the world around me to show I’m here, I’m part of it, I’m listening, I… am playing the part I think I need to play.
If I am home with myself, I already am here. Already a part of the world. I already matter. And it’s not something that is fleeting or is based on external validation.
I am here and I matter simply when I take the time and space to observe myself.
That means at every moment I’m taking the space and time to check in with myself, re-align and balance how I feel, what I think, what I’m doing, with what feels right to me… for me.
Home isn’t just a physical space that I get to inhabit that is mine to create.
Home is also an internal space, and I have to hold and create that space to notice what’s really mine, and what came from someone/thing else.
What other questions emerge as you consider that question?
- Am I holding space for myself? Slowing down, realising what I want, before I do what I do?
- Do I feel accepted? Do I trust myself? Am I in a state of play?
- Or am I struggling, confused, and resisting what I sense?
- Am I doing what I want? Am I acting in the ways that show I value myself and my dreams?
Why am I so frantic? So intent on showing that I am here? Why do I need to be noticed?
How is it that I only feel at home when I am here, like this, typing or writing in my journal? (That one’s easy. I’m actually holding space. Slowing down. Noticing my thoughts and feelings.)
Do I need to be noticed because I don’t notice myself? Is that why I feel like I don’t matter? That I don’t exist unless there are eyes and smiles my direction?
Where in the world did I get that feeli–oh. Ooohhhh. When my parents looked away and I felt like I had to perform to get their positive attention.
Give me a moment to talk to myself (like I’m not already doing that).
Sweetie, that was when you were young, and your parents represented the whole world.
You’re your own world, now.
💖🌧️
Image of glasses on maps by beasternchen from Pixabay.
