I shut down and stop responding and don’t resurface for hours. It’s usually when I’m unhappy, or unwilling, and unable to figure out what I really want to say or do.
I used to think it happened rarely, but it just happened again today, and as I look at the calendar, I’ve realised it’s the second time in two weeks.
Tracking back further, out of four weeks in April, I:
- Was intentionally (though playfully) stubborn;
- Decided against going for an event (that cost $299 and would have required an emotional commitment that I felt unready and unwise to give);
- Shut down, and on another day skipped an event in favour of working on my own; and
- Shut down again, today.
I’ve been malfunctioning every single week.
Judging myself, I’d say this is not the person I want to be.
Being kind, I’d say… something is wrong, and I’m not addressing a problem, which is causing the malfunctioning.
To give a slightly fuller image of April:
- I did a rental handover, smoothly and successfully, and managed to work landlords and tenants through a mini-crisis when one of the tenants behaved in a manner that was out of line;
- I went with buyers to viewings, and worked with them through to an OTP, the first step to making a purchase. Then they felt I’d not taken care of them enough, and they complained to the company’s legal department, and demanded to cancel the exclusive agreement. It’s unfortunate, and I will note that my conscience is clear;
- I went to a roadshow for Blossoms by the Park, and met a few interesting people; and
- I sat down to re-work the book I’m ghost writing, to change the tone completely. I think it’s working.
I’ve had good days and bad days, and truly the good days outweigh the bad.
So what’s triggering the malfunctions?
When I’m unhappy, unwilling, unable to figure out what I really want to say or do… I find it slightly ironic that while I’m amazing with words — I’m a writer for divinity’s sake — and I have no clue how to express myself.
Because feeling… feeling is an internal understanding. A presence, a willingness to sit in the body. And to not run away when the feeling is discomforting.
When I blog or journal, I’m using my mind to make sense of it, and the discomfort seems more manageable. My stomach is tense but right now I’m in my brain.
I don’t want to feel unhappy, resentful, or ungrateful. Somewhere in my life I must have picked up the lesson that only happy feelings are allowed, a kind of “How dare you be anything but a blissful being when life is so good around you? To you?”
So I smile and nod and agree and do whatever I’m asked to, suppress my feelings until I’m alone, and the valve gets loose. I get sharp, I get angry, and because I don’t want to lash out at anyone, I shut down, set aside my phone, ignore people, and distract myself with food or exercise or television.
I come back when I feel better, and by then, hours have passed.
I do realise that it’s easier to just process my feelings as they come so that they can leave and let me be. It would be faster.
But that’s where the lack of emotional awareness, and the courage to sit with my feelings, become a problem. The fear that if I’m unhappy and express it… then I’m going to be “wrong” in some way.
I’ve based my identity upon the smiling happy girl. The “yes” girl, the “I’ll help” girl, the “sure, anything you want or need” girl.
And that is SO unhealthy.
I haven’t learned to allow myself to feel. To then feel the feelings. To take them as information to guide my thoughts. To process slowly instead of taking a shotgun to every shadow that rears its head…
It’s time to change.
Tomorrow is May. May I get better sitting with my feelings, understanding what I’m trying to tell myself, and expressing myself calmly, gracefully, truthfully.
To keep remembering that I can feel and express myself and still be accepted.
❤️🌧️
Image of a chair in a park by Alexa from Pixabay.
To sit with my feelings in public.
