I’m sitting in a Han’s cafe/restaurant, waiting for dance class later at 8:30 pm. Been out on my own for a few hours, listening to The Hunger Games and walking around looking at things.
Taking it as a me-date, having some time for myself.
And then I choose to look at Day 9 of Forty Days On Being A Seven… sigh. 🙂
Thank goodness I have chocolate cake and tea. After a fish and chips and orange juice and creamy chicken soup and crispy toasted bread-thingy. (I kind of wish I had a better name, but that’ll do for now.)
Anywayyy.
Day 9 is about the beauty of imperfection.
I’m okay with imperfection. I chase it sometimes. I play, intentionally, as a way to break out of the boundaries that I feel around me.
Gideon writes about how we need to see there’s “a beauty greater than perfection. That we are fully loved in our flawed beauty.” He mentions Peter and Jesus on a beach and how he’s met with love (I’m going by what he said, because I don’t know that story.)
On something I might understand better, he writes, “After Enneagram Ones, Sevens might be the hardest on themselves, striving for a perfection that doesn’t exist and that no one asked for.”
And then he had to ask these questions…
Why are we so afraid to fail?
Dammit.
Because if I really failed… If i really tried in my business and I went out, and I failed, then I… am not good enough. Wasn’t good enough.
(I think I wrote about this somewhere else on my blog already.)
But strangely, in between the time from that old post and now, perhaps I’m a little more… I have a different perspective.
My biggest project — my writing business — can succeed, can fail, can change, can grow, and it’s both not a reflection of me, and yet also a refelction of me.
Because I can change. I can grow.
And I can just take it day by day and… have fun.
Something about being with Jarrod and going for Asia West Coast Swing Open competition has to do with this.
One, because my biggest project is no longer my business. It’s my relationship with Jarrod. By project I don’t mean — I’m not taking Jarrod or our relationship as tasks or work to do — but it does mean constant work.
We’re always trying to connect, to give space, to have time, to pay attention. To keep trying.
It’s never going to be done, it’s never going to be perfect, but it’s always going to be right. As long as we’re trying. And even on the days we cannot try, because it’s been too much. Then it becomes trust that we will come back to it when we can.
And that comes over to the writing and the realtor side.
Never done, never perfect, but so long as I try, it’s gonna be alright. And come back to it after a break.
I used to be afraid of being seen trying, and of publicly failing. Then I’ve realised that people… don’t really care. You’re just 30 seconds of attention, and then people move on with their lives. And that’s freeing.
With the dance (competition? festival? event?) event, Jarrod told me to just have fun.
I did’t get through the Prelims — my basics are missing and the competitors were awesome — but that attitude of just going and having fun and trying out something new is a lot more important to me.
So failure has been redefined.
I used to be afraid to fail — if my business dies or my relationship falls apart, that would have been a reflection of me and my worth and therefore I am not good enough and also not… worthy? That I would forever be incapable and unwanted. Like it was permanent.
Then I did fail and my relationship did fall apart and after a year or so I came back to myself. And now I’m trying things. Starting to want milestones. In the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Now I am still trying and I’m still having fun.
I’m not afraid to fail. It’s terrible when things happen — it would massively suck if Jarrod and I ever went separate ways, and I would like very much for that not to happen — I also know I’ll be able to come back to life.
I’m more afraid of not trying. Of living someone else’s life. I’m afraid to fail that way because then I’m not living as who I am.
I would rather be confused and frustrated and angry in a life of my choosing than because of someone else’s decisions.
Why am I so afraid to fail? Because it highlights a missing component, a lack of knowledge or planning or thought. An inability.
It used to be paralysing, not being seen as perfect — not whole, not complete, having something missing like your character is a chipped mug.
Now it’s just something new to learn and something to keep trying, and not giving up.
Okay that question wasn’t so bad.
Next!
What do you think would happen if you failed?
Past me: You are no longer worthy of love or attention or help. Obviously you’re incapable, and now here’s proof. You’ll never make it. Such… hubris. Who did you think you are?
Current me: Well, you’ve mesed up something. This is, obviously, bad. But it’s not permanent, and not something that cracks the goodness of your person. (unless you did something you were morally opposed to, and then even after you did, did you learn from it? is it okay if we don’t do that again?)
Amends and repair need to be made. Re-connection needs to be established.
Things need to be learned.
We might be in trouble for some time. Whether financially, emotionally, physically. That needs some extra work and sometimes help to tide us through. That’s available, but let’s not completely rely on it forever yes?
I know what would happen. I go home, I sit, I cry, I withdraw, I lose weight in the most effortless way because I no longer eat, and then, little by little, the light comes back.
Light comes in through the cracks, someone said.
I’m not saying I’m completely immune to failure. I am saying I’ve been there, and I got out, and I can see now that the thing I was afraid of and didn’t want to happen was exactly the thing that needed to happen.
I was afraid of all the wrong things and they were exactly the things that needed to change.
I think it’s worse to be afraid of the wrong things, for the wrong reasons.
Like being afraid someone will leave because you might never find someone else again. Complete and utter fuckery. Because the fear and the real problem don’t align.
Right now, with Jarrod, my biggest fear? That he will pass. I am unafraid of anything within our relationship. We’re both fine if we have to separate — again, we don’t want to — if there is reason we should (like if one of us doesn’t respect what we have). I am simply afraid of him being gone, for reasons we don’t agree to.
And it’s one of the ways I know we’re healthy, and healthy in the relationship. Because I’m afraid of the right thing for the right reason. The fear and problem align.
So what do I think will happen if I fail?
If I fail the wrong things, like a bad relationship, then I will simply get better. It might take a while, but life will get better.
If I fail the right things… it will suck. And then I will repair, and re-connect, and I will learn and grow.
Which means… things will get better. After a while.
Am I doing this journalling thing wrong? ‘XD
“When you are confronted with your flaws, imagine Jesus meeting you with tenderness and mirroring your beauty back to you.”
Imma be honest and say if I really mess up, my Goddess(es) will just look at me. They’ll also sit with me.
It’s not exactly love, but it’s… “You know what you did? Okay, cool. Now we sit.”
It’s an honesty I’ll have to face. Which includes the mess I made, and the fact that I’m a soul just trying to figure things out.
So we’re talking about the same thing here, Gideon and I. We just have a slightly different experience in what actualy happens.
Aight, Imma have to stop here.
8:09 pm and dance class is 8:30 pm. I have a cake to stuff and tea to gulp and to head down. Assuming I don’t get lost as well.
🩷🌧️🌷
