Pardon how confused I’m about to sound, but this post is for me–
I’m… angry.
It’s 12:48 am, I’m in the kitchen in Jarrod’s place, typing this while my tablet sits on the microwave. There’s McDonald’s nuggets and fries and wings in the oven, a green tea (from breakfast), an open kinder bueno mini wrapper beside me.
(It’s easier to talk about what I can see instead of what’s inside me. It gives me a grip on reality.)
We, Jarrod and I, just got back from a afternoon in Malaysia, running errands and walking around.
We got back, ate, showered, I gave him a massage, and then this.
I was about to go to sleep, my eyes were closing, and I actually am tired, and then I wondered if I was hungry, or needed to pee.
— food in the oven check, 7 minutes in —
There was a moment of deliberation, between sleep and coming out to eat and trying to talk myself into not leaving (I don’t really need to pee, and I’m actually tired, and eating isn’t the best idea when I’m not seriously hungry enough, and tomorrow is an early and long day…)
And then something inside me went, “NO! I am NOT sleeping! I want to–we’ve been doing what–
— food check, 10 minutes in. it smells like food. there’s a bit of a darker colour on the browns. the fries look wet… —
It’s like there’s a kid version of me screaming that I haven’t listened, and I haven’t given it attention.
Kid me’s ferocity was quite surprising.
— 12 minutes, i think that’s enough. turning off the oven and letting the food stay inside for a little while longer. —
Okay kid, take the keys.
“it’s not that I want to eat the doughnuts or the fries or the wings. i know we’re not hungry. but i-we-haven’t done anything just for us!
we’ve behaved — we’ve been behaving for a while — when do we get to cut loose??
do something stupid?
for the heck of it??”
Interesting.
And is that what you want?
“yes!!
— let me get the food out. no clue how long it’s been. it’s 1:01 am. —
— food out, oven door ajar. i’m gonna eat with the tongs so i get to keep typing —
“yes! like that! THAT’s what I Mean!!
doing something just for the sh*t of it, just for you, just us!!”
Us…?
“yes, us. can’t you see? you’ve been goody-two-shoes behaving because you’ve been with people this whole time. when’s it our turn?
what happened to going out just for us? me dates? just for fun?”
Are you angry… wait. are you afraid?
That we’ll… completely erase our personality and what we like to do for fun and… just because we’re in a relationship?
Because we’re living with other people?
With someone practically 24/7?
Are you feeling like I haven’t honoured myself?
“i’m feeling… insecure.
by the way, the chicken is good. perfectly crispy and warm on the inside. fries a bit too crispy though.
go us”
Go us!
“It’s not like we haven’t honoured ourself, or…
We’ve been authentic, there’s no hiding or self-editing or feeling like we can’t or haven’t been me.
it’s just… life isn’t crazy…
and I’m not used to that.”
Ah.
Hi.
“hi.”
We’ve been so used to the crazy, that now, when things are good and stable and consistent, we’re a little thrown off by that?
“… yes…?
i mean, i know that’s a bad thing… but still…”
How you feel is valid, love.
But you’re telling me I’m eating fried chicken at 1 am in the morning because I needed a little crazy?
“heh.
you’re also talking to yourself. but granted you do that in your journal anyway.
this is just easier and faster than writing.”
Remember that time I had to remind us to not get toxic?
“uh huh. you.. we got mad, and then we had to show up and choose to respond in a different way.”
Yup. I guess this is the same thing… or at least… similar.
I know that we’ve been used to toxic.
Heck, I remember what we’ve been through. We were both (all of us were) there.
And yes, I understand that this… we’ve been seven months together, coming eight soon, is not familiar.
Which means that it can be uncomfortable.
I literally told Jarrod today that he’s been emotionally stable, and open, and vulnerable, and that it mattered more than anything else for me, in a relationship.
But… Ahh what did Vihn say… “It’s not fake, it’s unfamiliar.”
Something unfamiliar can be uncomfortable.
And because we’re so used to the toxic, stability is now setting off alarms.
Because it doesn’t feel right.
So I understand why you’re acting out. You’re protecting me.
This unfamiliarity feels dangerous, and your wanting to act out is a way of making me feel safe, because insanity, a little craziness, an illogical little roller coaster is what we’re used to.
Doing things for the sake of “just because I can”… it used to be a way to exert a little more control in a world I felt I had no control in.
And now, when I’m with somebody whom I know loves me for who I am, accepts me completely, and is perfectly fine with me doing whatever makes me happy — there is no leash, here, in this relationship — a part of me doesn’t understand.
Doesn’t understand why he laughs when my antics play up. How he’s fine when I need to bounce or sing or flail about. Completely supports what I want and does everything he can to get it for me. (I had to physically all-my-weight-pull him from The Body Shop because he saw me looking at perfumes with a little too much interest.)
And while a very big part of me feels so safe, this part of me is thrown completely unstable.
“Where’s the madness? Where’s the part where he gets irritated? Gets angry? Wants me to behave? Looks at me with disdain?”
There. That’s what’s acting up.
Hi.
“Hi. I’m glad you’re not mad at me too.”
I’m glad we read Internal Family Systems, and watched all the relationship tiktoks we did, because I’m leaning heavily into these for context right now.
I’d really like to say that everything that we were used to, used to be us. But that’s just a pretty play on language that may not help.
(But I might as well finish that thought.
What we’re used to just shows us who we used to be. It’s no longer us now.)
What I can say, with the context that I have, is this:
“Your job, this part of me, has always been to protect me.
To keep me safe.
To bring me to what feels right, and that means to bring me to what is familiar.
Thank you.
Because even with this outburst, even though I am eating, standing in the kitchen at 1:41 am, all you’re trying to do is keep me safe.
I just wanted to let you know that you can rest easy now.
And you can relax.
Because I am safe.
I am the safest I have ever been, especially in a relationship.
I know crazy is how we’ve been doing things. We only did it because we wanted to feel like we mattered. And that you can do a helluva lotta things and no one will bat an eyelid.
Well guess what?
We matter. And we can do a boatload of things the size of Noah’s Ark and not only will he be fine, he finds it funny too.
And everyone else? They’re too engrossed in their own day.
Sweetie, we’re safe.
We don’t need the crazy to try and prove that. We don’t need the illogical roller coaster. We don’t need to trigger something to feel or prove anything.
And I get it, you’ll need time.
It was so toxic for so long that it’s gonna take time to get used to it and grow and get over it.
— 1:50 am and Jarrod just came out of his bedroom, playfully hrumph-ing me for not being in bed with him —
We’ll be okay, babygirl.
We are okay.”
💖🌧️
Image of chicken nuggets and fries by ALFONSO CHARLES from Pixabay.
Mine weren’t heart-shaped though. 🙂
