As much as I’d love to write something witty and confident, I think the best thing I can do for myself right now is to be simple and truthful.
This is my blog, a place where I can collect my thoughts, write out my ideas, figure out my feelings.
I’ll probably post collections of things I’m interested in, things I’ve learned, and also a whole bunch of randomness.
And I’m writing this down in the very first post for two reasons:
- I am terrified. And lost. And I think that’s what life is about.
- I need to remember I am just a single human. And that I am also vast and limitless.
I’ve started lots of websites and blogs before — it’s practically a hobby at this point, starting and making and shutting WordPress websites — and I’ve tried:
- being anonymous
- being content-focused
- being completely personal, no holds barred, and
- being professional
and none of them really seem to work.
Once things don’t feel like “me”, I tend to shut things down. Which is tough on the blogsites because I don’t know who I am.
Do we ever find that out?
I’m terrified, and lost, and that’s okay.
I need, want, to recognise that I’m actually afraid. Of the unknown, of change, of not being able to see down the dark foggy street. It’s the faith in the sunrise that will keep me going, knowing that this, too, will pass, even the sunrise.
I don’t know where I’m going, and I’m more lost than I’d like to admit (whether publicly or to myself), and that’s exactly the journey to be on.
I’m 32, turning 33, and figuring out who I am takes my whole life (or so I’ve heard). Some bits of life are about the destination, but the whole thing is a journey.
And I want to use this blog as a space for that. To collect bits and pieces and snapshots of that journey.
For myself and to share openly.
I want to remember that I’m human.
Just a single person, and also everything being human can be.
We can do so many things… yet we can only do one thing at a time.
(Multitasking is just quick shifting, really. I can’t observe the sunrise while I’m typing this. It’s 6:58 am on Monday, 12 September 2022, and I’m typing this in bed on my phone. I’ll transfer this to the computer later.
I’ve been up since 4 because my body took offense to a slice of coffee roll, and my skin’s breaking out in hives. I’ve doused myself with cold water thrice, shivering and taking shaky breaths.
Outside the sun’s coming up, turning the sky yellow and pink and blue and white. The clouds are little dots and streaks, and every time I look up from typing the light’s getting brighter.
It’s quiet, cool and peaceful, and I’m here typing my best introduction post ever.)
I want to do everything. I want to try as much of life as I can. Simply because I can. My soul seeks to travel and learn and love with joy. To eat and snuggle and sleep in peace.
And my body, with only one brain and one heart and two eyes and hands… I can only touch one thing in every present moment.
Like brushing my hands over the sleeves of clothes in a shop, and skimming across the titles of books on shelves, to fleetingly pass over every single thing would be to not know — really know — anything.
I want to know at least one something.
I like how it feels to engage in something fully.
I’m alive.
So this blog is a place for me to remember to sit, to write, to think, to collect, to feel, in a way that brings things together.
No matter how haphazard it may seem.
There’s method in the madness, or so I hope.
And if you’ve read all the way to this point (hello reader, hello future me), I hope somewhere in our future there is love, and joy, and life, and peace.
There’ll be sunsets and dark times, irrational reactions and sleepless nights. But the sunrise comes and my skin will calm down.
I’ll hold onto light and calm so that they can come round again.
For now, though…
breakfast.
❤️🌧️
Image of pancakes, with chocolate and nuts, and a hot drink by IVAN SVIATKOVSKYI from Pixabay.
