I met a couple new friends recently — well, technically a couple, because they’re together — and they’re getting married in a couple of months.
They’d only known each other for a few days before they decided they’d be together, and started talking about marriage and (for her) migrating.
It’s been a few months since (i think) and they’ve planned the wedding photoshoot, the wedding, he’s got the heirloom ring, and they’ve met each other’s parents, as well as gotten the permission (or given the heads-up that this is happening).
Their love story is quicker than my boyfriend’s and mine, and everyone tells me that it’s because of their age. He’s in his… forties? Fifties? Late fifties. And she’s in her late thirties. (there’s supposed to be a… 13? 16? year gap between them… okay he’s in his fifties.)
I think it’s probably true, but more likely because they are already wise(r). He knows who he is and who he would want in his life, and so does she. They’re both unafraid, or at least open to, marriage. And the lady is making real plans to leave the life she’s built behind for something completely different.
Must be nice to have that kind of certainty in life. (And my brain reminds me: Knowing what you want lets you say “no” to everything else. She wants life with him, so she can say “no” to the life here.)
From the way the guy has described his life, and from what Jarrod has told me, I’ve gathered he’s doing pretty well. And I had a moment of “she’s gonna have a good life”.
I find it interesting how life can change so quickly.
One moment she’s single, working on her career, living her life here. Another moment she’s met the guy who wants to marry her, move her overseas, and she’s got to rebuild life… build a life over there. With different finances and expectations and life plans. (ah.. it’s reminding me of a girl-gets-swept-off-by-a-prince-to-live-in-a-castle fairytale. i’m not envious, i just find life strange.)
As for him, he was just coming over to visit his family. Now he’s bringing her over to build a family of his own.
Just like that, all their decisions change. What they wanted, what they want, what they’re going to do, are now all different. They car he drives, the way he’s configured his home, the plans she’s had for her work, the lifestyle they’ve both come to expect…
I know people say life changes in an instant. I know mine did, the night I met Jarrod. We’ve had the conversation where we jokingly say we destroyed each other’s plans for the future.
And theoretically, I am aware that there are births and deaths and other life-changing events happening all the time. I am also aware that I am choosing, at every moment, to spend my life with sayang, and that these everyday moments make up life.
But it’s just strange to think that life can be going one way and then suddenly everything goes [BOOM].
And now your orbital trajectory gets altered because another star or planet has come within the range of gravitational pull.
Of course, to stay in each other’s life takes work and effort.
The attraction might be instant. The commitment takes intention and choice and action.
*~*~*
It turns out her mom said the same thing my parents did, when talking to our respective boyfriends:
“If it doesn’t work, bring her back.”
(Jarrod told me there’s no intention of a return, because we’d work things out.)
Coming from my parents, I think that’s as close to an “i love you” as I might understand.
We don’t say “i love you” and there are no hugs, and I never really took my parents’ care as love, because it felt more like pride or duty or the result of trauma (or causes moments that result in my trauma).
But saying I could come back, that I would always have a space in the home, that’s voluntary. They could always have gone “you’re married now, and he’s your husband, you’re his responsibility, and we’re turning your room into something else immediately, so byee~”, but they didn’t.
It reminds me of the time my mom cooked and when I ate it I had flashbacks of the time my mom cooked the same thing, and spent so many hours spoon-feeding me cos otherwise I took forever to eat.
Great, it’s 1:17 am in the morning and I am happy crying, realising that I am and have been loved.
My fingers are leaving tears on the keycaps of my pretty new mechanical keyboard. (Thank you for my keyboard Sayang.) It’s transparent-pink and rainbow-lit and sounds “creamy” (according to tiktok). Some people describe it to be like raindrops. I like to think it’s the softer, gentler version of typewriters. There’s a little screen in the space between the [Esc] and [F1] keys, and I picked a gif of a heart flying through space, nyan-cat-style cos it leaves a rainbow behind, and I adjusted the gif to go a lot slower, so it’s a lot calmer.
Yes I just distracted myself out of happy tears. I did sit with it for a while, and let something inside me heal. It’s been ten minutes. 1:28 am.
*~*~*
I thought it would be nice — reassuring — for the lady’s mom to know that the man her daughter is marrying has money, and she’d be more than alright in another country.
Then my brain started going off on its own, and started coming up with its own script.
“So what if you’re rich? Will my daughter be happy?”
And I realised I was about to list the things that I understood to be a good life, and that these were the questions I would ask as a mother — so I should ask myself these questions — so I paused the conversation until I could get the words down. (Which is now, so letting my brain do its thing.)
“Will she have friends? Will she find something to do? Will she find things that she likes?
What is she going to do every day? Sit around at home waiting for you?
What happens when you guys fight? You’re gonna leave her alone by herself?
Is she going because she wants to go, or is it because of you?
You want her to give up the life she has here — where she has a place in her home with me, where she has built a career, where she has plans — to live with you. Will you love her the way I love her? Will you support her dreams? What kind of life will she lead?”
Oh wow I do have a judgemental side.
And here I was thinking I have no discernment. (well, in some ways.. nevermind.)
I read somewhere that as we grow into adults, our independence from our parents means we have to be our own parents, and make judgement calls that they would. (Eat, Pray, Love? Or Committed. Elizabeth Gilbert.)
So I should ask myself these:
- Am I happy?
- Am I surrounding myself with an amazing group of friends?
- Am I working on something that I like, that brings me a sense of purpose or meaning? (because that is how happiness can be reached, or so I’ve read)
- Am I filling my time with what interests me and feeds me? (in more ways than one)
- Do we handle disagreements and conflict well?
- Do I have — do I feel supported?
- Am I doing what I want, or am I following/supporting the dreams of others?
- Am I loved, well and unconditionally? Am I loving myself that way?
- Am I creating the life I want to live?
- (and the basic assumptions) Do I have a place to call home?
- Do I have the resources to support life — food, clothes, home, some joy?
I’m already answering these questions, but I’m looking at the clock and it’s 1:51 am.
I need to go to bed, otherwise I don’t set myself up well for tomorrow/today.
But these are certainly questions I need to come back to.
💖🌧️
Image of the night sky in Australia,
because that’s where the couple will be,
by Dom Carver from Pixabay.
